Angry

Last night was sort of a realisation for me, I no longer felt disappointed by the group for dumping me after 4 years. Now I'm angry, angry at those who didn't speak out, angry at those who didn't ask, angry at those who didn't bother at all, angry at those who pretended that nothing had happened.

What? Since I'm no longer a member of the committee anymore, why should I spare my time selecting players when I'm just an ordinary member! If I were still important to you guys I wouldn't have been dropped from the list completely! Fuck you for asking such a question.

What? You're now the new chairman of the group! If you had treated me as a friend, and valued my participation in the group for 4 whole years, you should've mentioned something to the previous chairman about the committee list! You now have the power! Instead of using it, you kept your mouth shut. Fuck you for doing so.

What? I promoted you up to the committee through my honest suggestions, the same way another committee member promoted me through his suggestions when I was young. Now that my wings have been clipped, you pretend that nothing has happened and kept quiet. Fuck you, unless you've already had your mouth sewn shut.

It's not as if both of you knew me for just a week or so, this was 4 whole years! So don't give me the "I don't know how to say this" crap explanation and passing the buck. Both of you were in it. You knew that this wasn't the correct thing to do, and yet you still did it.

Fuck you for having your head in your arse, just because I don't know how to kiss your butt leaves in a precarious position. I'm glad that I tore up the photo of you I took last year and threw it into the garbage bin.

From an assistant secretary about to be promoted to assistant chairman, this was even posted on the notice board at the start of the year, it's July and without any hints or clues, you've left me without a post, not even the lowest one for the Form 2 members, left me in shock, and then proceed to bash me on my performance in guarding the batch of afternoon class members. If this isn't a clear signal on how much I'm welcomed there, I don't know what is.

I've been shocked, surprised and hurt deeply by what you all have done. I've never back-stabbed anyone, I've never hurt anyone, I've never stolen anyone's money. What did I deserve to get this?

I'm washing off my hands on all 5 of you. Don't ever approach me asking for assistance again. It's clear that I'm unwanted here. Don't expect me to represent the school in next year's tournament. If I do so, don't expect me to sit down and have a friendly chat with the team members about strategy and tactics. Expect me to play my game and leave the venue immediately once it ends.

You all never noticed that this is becoming more and more like an elitist group. Members playing just for leisure are being set aside as the "power-hungry" committee members wield their iron fist at them, and you ignored it.

The whole group is about to collapse, you all just hadn't realise it yet. Yearly membership has dropped from 236 members in 2002 to 163 in 2003. Playing chess isn't that carefree anymore, why in the world is there a disciplinary division for the group in the first place? This never existed back then!

The future certainly looks bleak. I'm sure of that.

It's pretty ironic that I was handed a post from another group on my first day there 2 months after I got booted by this group. Although it's smaller than the group which dumped me, they have shown that they are a friendly bunch and in need of each other to keep the group alive. I'm glad that I'm appreciated, I appreciate them for what they are. I'm just glad that I found them, I just am glad.

[Added on October 6]:
P.S. I won't pull a long (or black) face if I'm talking to a person who is completely unrelated to the source of the anger problem.

P.P.S. And if I do, I won't do it for the whole day.

P.P.P.S. The internet is one of the ways for me to get relaxed, so if you see me online, be assured that I won't keep the same pisssy face... ;)

P.P.P.P.S. I'm happy at feeling anger, it doesn't help to go around moping and feeling depressed. Sadness shouldn't be used unless you're missing someone, imho. Anyway, no more Mr. Nice Guy ever again! Hahaha!