Saturday, September 01, 2007

An Update

First things first, I don't seem to be in the best of moods at the moment. Hence although this post is gonna sound as dry and dusty as the Mojave desert, but at least it's going to be one of the most truthful blog posts that I've written.

Mental health
One of the biggest issues bugging me now is about my mental health. It could be that my mind is really lax when it comes to grabbing note of events that are happening around me. I feel like I'm a ship in a violent storm without an anchor to the seabed. My grasp of memory seems blurred now and days just seem to pass by endlessly. When I was young I lamented and grumbled at how come time was passing so slow sometimes, and now I'm regretting the fact that time passes by too fast for me to catch up. Hence I regretted that I wasted days by not doing anything that was productive for me. Take for example yesterday, I slept from 6am till 6pm and spent the most of that day at night. It's not good for me, I know.

Don't pressure yourself too much, really, don't do it. The more pressure I inflict myself for this upcoming exams, the less psychologically unstable I am. All that I need to do to face this series of trial exams is to plan well and stay calm.

I don't really mind if somebody stumbles onto my blog. Lest it be friends online or offline or even any teachers out there. After all with such a long history of blogging and "forumming", it isn't hard if you want to play detective. To be honest, I like my friends, I like who they are but I hate their situations. I am totally sick and tired of having to listen to how sad they are. The main reason why I get online is to have some fun and to relax, not to get bagged with a ton of burden on my shoulders listening to how much shit happens on a particular person. It's even worse when I can't possibly say that to them one-to-one, I'm not that mean to do so. Then there are some people who I can't seem to know well. It seems that we seem to be stuck at acquaintances just because the other person is reluctant to get to know you better. Could it be because they have been scarred just like I was? Nah, I only know one guy who was also scarred, hence he appears invisible in his messenger. I'm currently following his footsteps. Sometimes too much contact with a person or many people might not end up good.

Two of the most important responsibilities I have at the moment are my exams and my obligation to maintain an internet community. Seems like I'm not really dealing well with either one. I tried studying a while ago, but somehow I just couldn't focus on it. My moods and my mental as well as psychological states need to be balanced most of the time for me work efficiently. And I make sure that my fan doesn't vibrate too noisily at night. Although I'm really relaxed most of the time, I am very particularly fussy on some stuff.

- enough time for me to prepare for my exams
- enough time for me to gather my thoughts

- to learn German and Japanese
- to travel to Europe for sightseeing and also living in Japan for a few months

- getting arrested for a crime that I might or might not commit (I drive a car, you can figure out the rest) *touch wood*
- the balcony of my apartment (I'm living six floors, you can guess the rest of that too) *touch wood again*

STPM is really really around the corner, I should try being active around 8am in the morning daily. The more the day wears on, the less mood I have for studying. Hope to try out waking up early just to study. Sometimes I can't study when I'm too sleepy, and sometimes I can't study when I'm too sober. Typical conditions at school should be just right. Told you I was picky, didn't I?

I'm going to host an online conference tonight, it's a weekly thing. I dread and dread having the conference not working out well, as well as listening to the same old complaints again. I really do not like to give trouble to a person that I know. It's a preference of mine that was gained through cultivation over time, namely trial and error. I know how it is like to be burdened, and I don't want anybody else to feel the same thing. It's just a pity that other people don't think the same way.

Signing off

P.S. (to Glassy) - I know it's been a long time since we last chatted on MSN, probably two months I suppose. Last time was being the Penang Bridge Marathon. Hope we can get in contact with each other soon. :)
P.S. (to Jin) - I have no idea where is your current blog located now, but I'd sure like to get back in touch with you. Hmm... I hope your address is still the same as the postcard that you sent me two or three years ago. I'd like to try corresponding with postcards. Sounds nice. :)
P.S. (to T-zone) - Hey man, sorry about not being active in your Spanish Inquisition forum. Likewise your blog's pretty much idle now. Hope to chat with you soon.
P.S. (to Ed) - Yo Ed, think on the good side of life okay? There's no problem which can't be solved. Even Rubik Cubes. @.@